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10 of the worst things to include in New Year resolutions

Congratulations for completing (or nearly completing) another semester!

To help you usher in a new year of academics, I present to you this tongue-in-cheek post. In it, I’d like to share with you the worst New Year’s resolutions that I can think of for a distance learner. 

So, if you want to know what bad advice for distance learners looks like, this post is for you!   

Are you ready for an unproductive and miserable 2022? Let’s jump in the mire!  

1. Beat yourself up for making mistakes

Here’s some bad advice: Berate yourself and mentally bash yourself for making any mistakes. For instance, did you answer a question on a test only to realize that you answered incorrectly hours later? Don’t let that fly. Make yourself feel horrible for being a flawed human being.

2. Let your ego reign supreme

If your professor disagrees with one of your opinions, be sure to take it as a personal affront to your character. Argue with that professor until they kick you out of the class. Then be sure to email that professor, letting him or her know how stupid they were for not agreeing with you.

3. Never ask for help or advice

You’re not doing your ego any favors by asking for help or advice from professors, students, or counselors. Remember, every person is an island, so do everything on your own. Asking for help under any circumstance makes you look weak.

4. Embrace all nighters

Why work ahead when you can stay up all night a few times a month? Cramming makes for the best learning! Don’t be like those nerds who prepare well in advance for a paper, project, or test. Just knock it out at the last minute, so you can spend as much time procrastinating as possible. Your grades will suffer, but that’s a small price to pay for not being a nerd.

5. Don’t get enough sleep

Sure, sleep helps improve your brain, and experts recommend getting at least seven hours each night. But if you’re sleeping, you aren’t studying or doing homework. Try to sleep as little as possible.

6. Put your identity in your grades

If you’re an overachiever who wants bad advice specifically aimed at you, then be sure to put your identity in your grades. Getting the right grades means more than your character, relationships, spirituality, or interests—grades are the chief defining factor of who you are as a person. Remember, “B” is for “Bad.” As in, you’re a bad human being if you ever get a B or below. 

7. Avoid creating lists

Do you have a lot of schoolwork to do? Keep track of it all in your head. Only nerds write lists of tasks they need in order to perform well in a class. You may forget to do several necessary tasks, but at least you won’t be a nerd with a list.

8. Shoot for doing the bare minimum

Do not “shoot for the stars.” Just do what you need to do to pass your classes. Otherwise, you’ll have to put in more work, which leaves less time to binge-watch shows. Ugh. 

9. Skip classes

Sure, you’re paying for each class, but they are so boring! Play some virtual hooky by avoiding every class you can. And if you end up failing because of this, blame your professor or an unfair school system.

10. Behave like a victim

If you find you’re not getting straight A’s because you followed the aforementioned advice, know that it’s not your fault. Yeah, you procrastinated, refused to ask for help, and skipped classes, but you are a victim first and foremost. So, your bad grades must be someone else’s fault. You just need to find those people and make sure they know you failed because of them—not because of anything you did.

Wrapping up

Obviously, this is terrible advice. In all seriousness, please don’t do any of these things. But, if you want to see how you can quickly cause the coming year to plummet, consider these points.

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